I’ve kept them alive for three years.
Looking back at it, I’m not sure how. They’ve gone days without eating. They’ve definitely missed a night or eight of sleep. They’ve… well ETHAN has fallen off of: the couch, the chair, the TV stand, the bed, the freezer, the counter, the table, the stairs and the bookshelf to name a few, but he has always landed on his feet. They’ve screamed, they’ve laughed, they’ve cried and they’ve yelled. They’ve sang songs and they’ve danced. They’ve been poked, prodded and diagnosed. They’ve been stretched, rolled over and scanned. They’ve been held upside down, dropped and spun in circles and yet they are still alive.
Three years has gone by in both a minute as well as a decade. The days have been long but the years have been short. So much of it has been a blur. So much has been missed, with so many detours and course corrections along the way that I don’t know if I’m even on the same trip I was when I began.
It’s no secret that I wasn’t thrilled when I found out we were having twins. But then I naively thought it might be cute… or maybe fun, and at the very least they would each have a lifelong companion. But none of that ever panned out. And NO! It doesn’t get easier… so please for the love of God stop telling me that!
I’m tired.
I’m tired of answering the question: “Are your Boy/Girl Twins identical?”, I’m tired of people not understanding that spontaneity in our family died the day they were born. I’m tired of 20 diaper changes a day. I’m tired of trying to figure out why one 18-24 month shirt still fits while the other 3T shirt is too small. I’m tired of making five different meals for dinner - a different meal for each person in the family, because if I don’t, the screaming and temper tantrums are out of control (and the kids get grumpy too). I’m tired of doing this all in a 900 sq/ft house where we are constantly tripping over each other. I'm tired of scheduling 17 appointments a week with our team of 13 doctors and therapists. I’m tired of all the redundant paperwork and questionnaires. I’m tired of the sleepless nights and am still waiting for the first night ever where all three of my kids sleep through the night simultaneously - but chances are I’ll be up all night anyway making sure it’s really happening. I’m tired of not getting a break. I’m tired of being tired.
But tomorrow a new chapter begins. The fourth chapter in Madison & Ethan’s story. Ethan will find new heights to fall off of, new foods he doesn’t like and new games to invent. While Madison will find new songs to dance to, new technology to master and new ways to communicate.
I may be tired, but I’m excited to be a part of it. I may be tired, but I wouldn’t miss Ethan's first back flip off the couch for the world. I may be tired, but there is no way I’m going to miss Madison’s first words with her new Tobii eye tracking device.
I may be tired, but I’ll never be tired of them.